1. Client named “Christian” signs off with: Christian (very!).
2. You’ve taken client out 3 or more times and each time he/she asks you to have lunch  between or after appointments.
3. Client (unsolicited) buys you clothing at Loehmann’s, gives them to you along with the receipts, then asks to be reimbursed.
4. Before you go out for the first time client tells you they’ve seen at least 55 rentals already.
5. Client tells you you’re their best friend and means it after two outings.
6. You go into contract with the same clients on three different condos in two months and they bail on the eve of  contract signing for each.
7. Client is male, less then 5’5″ tall, and works in finance.
8. Client tells you they have some mental health issues which is why they don’t have a job and are using a guarantor.
9. Client must consult (Staten Island) psychic before she will purchase any apartment on the Upper West side.
10. Client tells you they have no budget and needs a place ASAP. - What they’re really saying is “I have all the time in the world, bad credit, and no money”.

In early June I was contacted by past clients we’ll call Ratatouille (after my favorite French culinary rodent) and his wife Janine.  Janine said that they were expecting a bundle of joy any day and that the lease of their apartment (I rented them 3 years ago) was coming to an end in late August. Therefore it was time to start looking for a larger rental in a more affordable neighborhood.

After congratulating them both on their happy news we made an appointment to go out apartment hunting in early July.  Janine informed me that Ratatouille would be out of town on business but that she was very anxious to sign a lease and would be able to make the decision herself should we find the right place.

I, baby gift in tow, met her as planned.  Because I naively assumed we were on a friendlier level due to our history, I neglected to have her sign a fee agreement which would turn out to be a BIG mistake.

In any case, I showed her several apartments that perfectly fit her criteria. She loved two of them but, of course, couldn’t make the decision on her own (anyone who says they can is lying through their teeth). So we’d have to see them again when her husband was back in town, which happened to be when I was supposed to leave for a long awaited vacation.

Being that these were past clients who I felt an allegiance to, I postponed my trip an extra three days to show them the two apartments that Janine liked and another couple places that had come available in the interim. They ultimately agreed on the same one, and foolishly asked me to make an extremely low offer on their behalf – knowing that there was another one on the table much closer to the asking price. Ratatouille went on to say that even at the lower price, it was still above their budget so he expected me to pay the $700 condo fees should their offer be accepted.  That’s ridiculous on so many levels but mostly because the very well-known international conglomerate who employed him paid all of their moving expenses including application and broker fees. Never the less, I told him that we would cross that bridge only if their offer was accepted; which it wasn’t.

We had seen all there was to see for the time being so I went on my week long trip assuring them I’d continue to email listings and would arrange access to anything they liked.

As promised I combed through listings daily, emailed the good ones to Rat and Janine, and spoke with them on the phone.

Then on the 4^th night of my vacation at 10:45 pm, Janine emailed me a link for an apartment she found online, in one of the buildings I showed them, that had just been entered into a public listings database. She asked me if it was “real” and if they could see it the next morning. I immediately emailed the listing agent to find out.

Here is the hilarity that ensued:

Hi Janine,

Thank you I have emailed other agent yesterday night and we Will visit the apartment tomorrow morning. Thank you.