Misery Loves Real Estate

Ed Rooney- Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Sutton Place is akin to being sucked through a worm-hole and spat out in the middle of the Guilded age. You half expect to catch a glimpse of Anne Marie Vanderbilt’s ghost promenading down Sutton Place South arm in arm with a Kissinger. It reeks of old money and it’s antediluvian residents intend on keeping it that way. The co-op boards are archaic in their selectivity and when it comes to financials, don’t even bother going to an open house unless you can show four to six times the price of the apartment in liquid assets.

A few years back a colleague of mine, we’ll call Jeff, was selling one of these Sutton Place palaces to an affluent doctor from Boca Raton, who was purchasing the apartment for his newly engaged daughter and her husband-to-be. After lengthy negotiations contracts were signed and the painstaking process of assembling the complicated board packages begun. After many weeks they were finalized and submitted to the building’s management company for review. A few days later Jeff received the good news that the building’s board requested an interview with the father, daughter and fiancee. As my colleague excitedly explained this to them, the doctors elderly mother fell gravely ill and consequently (and inconveniently) died two weeks later.

Overwhelmed with his deceased mothers affairs and his busy practice in Boca, the doctor explained to Jeff that there was no way he’d be able to fly to NY to meet with the board, and wasn’t it enough that they had all of his personal and financial information?! Furthermore his daughter and future son in-law would be there for the interview and they would be the ones living in the apartment after-all.

When frazzled Jeff explained the mournful situation to the building’s managing agent, Maude, she channeled her inner Ed Rooney and bellowed:“SHOW ME PROOF!” “Surely she’s joking,” Jeff thought. When she assured him that she wasn’t and told him to fax her the death certificate he knew he had a problem. He couldn’t very well ask the grieving doctor to send it. That would surely blow the deal to smithereens. Instead Jeff dismally explained to the doctor that if he couldn’t be part of the board interview, the children would not be able to live in the building.

Fuming from the insensitivity of it all, the doctor demanded that Jeff conference call him in with Maude.  Jeff reluctantly agreed (he really had no choice) and the awkward call was made. When Maude came on the line the doctor pled his case and with zero tact Maude howled:“ROLL HER OLD BONES DOWN HERE!” (in a matter of speaking that is).

Naturally, the good doctor was livid, but this was Sutton Place after-all and his only daughters dream apartment. Out of principal he refused to lug his mothers corpse in, or fax her death certificate to Maude. Instead he agreed to an interview two days before the closing. He, his daughter and future son-law charmed the board and were approved shortly there-after.

When closing day came the atmosphere crackled with animosity.  Jeff, the attorneys, the doctor, daughter, future son in-law and MAUDE(!) sat in a conference room exchanging checks, dirty looks and signing documents. As soon as the keys were handed to the doctor he stood up and unleashed all of his pent-up rage on dowdy old Maude. At one point Jeff thought he might even hit her but in the end he refrained. What could she do but take it and deservedly so.

yin yang

From Wikipedia: Feng shui  is a Chinese system of geomancy believed to use the laws of both Heaven (Chinese astronomy) and Earth to help one improve life by receiving positive qi.^[3] The original designation for the discipline is Kan Yu (simplified Chinese: 堪舆; traditional Chinese: 堪輿; pinyin: kānyú; literally: Tao of heaven and earth).^[4]

The term feng shui literally translates as “wind-water” in English. This is a cultural shorthand taken from the passage of the now-lost Classic of Burial recorded in Guo Pu‘s commentary:^[5]

Major cities are cultural melting pots. According to a recent poll, Manhattan is #1 followed by Los Angeles and Miami. As a real estate agent, it’s interesting to see how peoples’ heritage influences what they’re looking for in a home. For example, in my experience, the British are partial to pre-war charm than to new construction. Again, this is only what I’ve witnessed and I don’t want to start stereotyping.

However one factor that is indisputable and crucial to some buyers is the ancient art of Feng Shui, a practice that is based on the Taoist philosophy of nature, particularly the belief that land is alive and filled with Chi, or energy.

We Yanks ignorantly talk about Feng Shui like we’re experts. “Sure, throw some bamboo on the counter, face the bed away from the doorway, and don’t have too much junk lying around.” If only it were that simple.

I previewed several co-ops today for my buyers. One of which I think they’ll really like. While doing my due diligence I noticed that several months ago it had signed contracts. When I asked the listing agent what happened he told me an incredible story.

The couple purchasing the unit were Chinese and devout Taoist’s to the extent that before they made an offer, they had their Mystic Sage come to advise them on the apartment’s energy, or Chi. He told them that it was good as long as they made some minor adjustments which included removing the crown moldings from the master bedroom. They proceeded with the purchase. Contracts were signed by both parties, and the massive board packages were painstakingly assembled by the listing agent and eventually approved by management. The happy couple went in front of the board and was approved the same day.

The walk-through and closing were scheduled for the following week. When the morning came, the listing agent woke up smiling; looking forward to a Champagne lunch in celebration of his closing and large commission check he’d soon receive.

As he strolled through the building’s double doors he was met by the couple — and surprisingly the Mystic. The wife explained that before closing, she wanted him to see it one last time.

When they entered the apartment the agent immediately sensed trouble.  The Mystic wasn’t responding as he had the first time and as a result the wife was distressed. The couple and Mystic talked quietly amongst themselves for a time until the wife confidently announced that they were very sorry but could not go through with closing. According to the Sage, the energy had shifted from good to bad between visits and therefore he could not in good conscience advise his pupils to go forward with their purchase. The agent was dumbfounded, depressed and probably wanted to strangle the Mystic (although that’s just my opinion).

To put the importance of Feng Shui in perspective, you have to realize how much the buyers were willing to lose by not closing – $90,000 to be exact. That’s a fortune to most of us.

I’m just hoping the apartment’s filled with good Chi when I bring my buyers and they leave their Mystic at home.