Lately real estate has kept me too busy to blog, hence I’m exhibiting all of these symptoms. By the end of this month I should be back in action with a few hair-raising stories to tell. In the meantime here is a miserably fun website to peruse: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com/
Two Trees Development plans to turn the 11 acre sight into 631,000 sq ft of office space, a quarter mile water front park and 660 “affordable” housing units boasting the same high end amenities that market rate apartments offer.
Before:
Domino sugar factory
After:
A rendering of the Domino Sugar Factory site (Photo c/o SHoP Architects and James Corner Field Operations)
Thoughts?
I just want to start by saying that all of these encounters and statements made by licensed NYC real estate agents are true. Some are silly and harmless while others are rude, discriminatory and go against NYC real estate regulations which I don’t condone. However, they’re all such whoppers, I felt I must share. Feel free to add yours in the comment section!
The Art of Distraction:
My buyers: “Are those water stains on the ceiling?”
Sellers agent’s response: “Aren’t their dogs wonderful?!”
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The Absurdly Humble Agent:
Sellers Agent to my buyers: “So how do you like the apartment? I’d buy it myself but I don’t have two nickels to rub together.”
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The Discriminatory Agent:
Agent in response to my buyers ethnic names on the rental application: “What is your clients’ nationality?”
Me: “I’m not sure. Why?”
Agent: “Do they cook a lot of fish or curry because that will smell up the hallways and upset the neighbors.”
Me: “Are you serious?! I don’t know what they cook and I’m certainly not going to ask them!”
Agent: “Well as long as they don’t look like they’re going to make bombs in the apartment, they should be approved. If she wears a head scarf, tell her to remove it for the board interview”.
Me: Speechless
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The “I just don’t give a shit anymore” Agent:
Me calling a sellers agent who’s now half an hour late to meet my clients and me: “Steven, where are you? My buyers and I have been sitting in the lobby for 30 minutes! We have to leave for another showing. Please let me know what’s going on!”
Steven’s casual response 30 minutes later (1 hour after scheduled appointment): “Hey, I apologize. I was talking with an old friend and totally lost track of the time man. I can walk over and show you now if you want”.
Me: “Jesus. Ok”.
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The Politically Incorrect Agent:
While my clients are discussing apartment in the other room, listing agent comes up behind me and whispers: “The gays love it here. Must be something about the water views.”
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The Overzealous Agent:
Broker: “So in the four months you’ve been with our firm, you’ve only done one rental. I’m just not sure this business is right for you.”
Overzealous Agent: ”I disagree.”
Broker: ”Well how many deals do you plan on doing next month?”
Overzealous Agent: ”31 days in a month x 2 deals a day, 62!”
Broker: ”You’re going to do sixty-two rentals next month??”
Overzealous Agent: “Yes. Definitely.”
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Agent Whose Philosophy is Su Casa es Mi Casa:
Me calling sellers agent: “Hi Evan, my buyers and I are waiting for you in the lobby (of an East Village Condo) to show us apartment 6A. We’re confirmed for noon today remember?”
Evan: “Oh yeah, yeah. Uhh… just a sec (shuffling sounds and muffled voices). Um, yeah, hi, uh, could you like go have lunch or something and come back in about 30-40 minutes?”
Me: “No, we have other appointments. What’s going on?! I confirmed with you last night. My buyers are very eager to see this apartment!”
Evan: “Um, Ok. Just uh give me like 15 minutes. I’m in the apartment doing something and I’ll come down to let you in when I’m done.”
Me: “Ok fine but please hurry”,
20 minutes later…
Evan (looking very nervous and like he hadn’t slept in days): “Uh, hi… uh, sorry about that. I, uh, I have a friend from out of town staying in the apartment. She was supposed to be out by now but she, uh, had a late night last night. She’s, uh, actually still here”.
Me: “Is this your apartment?”
Evan: “Uh, no but the seller doesn’t live here anymore”.
–My buyers and I enter the living room to find a very disheveled young lady, scantily clad and sprawled out on an air mattress.
Me: “Wow. Ok then. I think we’ve seen enough and will be on our way”.
Evan: “Ok great. If you have any questions, just let me know and, uh, keep this on the “DL” ok?”
In the words of Cindy Adams, ”Only in New York, kids, only in New York”:
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/01/realestate/the-gold-mine-in-the-hall.html
Slop sink room
Ed Rooney- Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Sutton Place is akin to being sucked through a worm-hole and spat out in the middle of the Guilded age. You half expect to catch a glimpse of Anne Marie Vanderbilt’s ghost promenading down Sutton Place South arm in arm with a Kissinger. It reeks of old money and it’s antediluvian residents intend on keeping it that way. The co-op boards are archaic in their selectivity and when it comes to financials, don’t even bother going to an open house unless you can show four to six times the price of the apartment in liquid assets.
A few years back a colleague of mine, we’ll call Jeff, was selling one of these Sutton Place palaces to an affluent doctor from Boca Raton, who was purchasing the apartment for his newly engaged daughter and her husband-to-be. After lengthy negotiations contracts were signed and the painstaking process of assembling the complicated board packages begun. After many weeks they were finalized and submitted to the building’s management company for review. A few days later Jeff received the good news that the building’s board requested an interview with the father, daughter and fiancee. As my colleague excitedly explained this to them, the doctors elderly mother fell gravely ill and consequently (and inconveniently) died two weeks later.
Overwhelmed with his deceased mothers affairs and his busy practice in Boca, the doctor explained to Jeff that there was no way he’d be able to fly to NY to meet with the board, and wasn’t it enough that they had all of his personal and financial information?! Furthermore his daughter and future son in-law would be there for the interview and they would be the ones living in the apartment after-all.
When frazzled Jeff explained the mournful situation to the building’s managing agent, Maude, she channeled her inner Ed Rooney and bellowed:“SHOW ME PROOF!” “Surely she’s joking,” Jeff thought. When she assured him that she wasn’t and told him to fax her the death certificate he knew he had a problem. He couldn’t very well ask the grieving doctor to send it. That would surely blow the deal to smithereens. Instead Jeff dismally explained to the doctor that if he couldn’t be part of the board interview, the children would not be able to live in the building.
Fuming from the insensitivity of it all, the doctor demanded that Jeff conference call him in with Maude. Jeff reluctantly agreed (he really had no choice) and the awkward call was made. When Maude came on the line the doctor pled his case and with zero tact Maude howled:“ROLL HER OLD BONES DOWN HERE!” (in a matter of speaking that is).
Naturally, the good doctor was livid, but this was Sutton Place after-all and his only daughters dream apartment. Out of principal he refused to lug his mothers corpse in, or fax her death certificate to Maude. Instead he agreed to an interview two days before the closing. He, his daughter and future son-law charmed the board and were approved shortly there-after.
When closing day came the atmosphere crackled with animosity. Jeff, the attorneys, the doctor, daughter, future son in-law and MAUDE(!) sat in a conference room exchanging checks, dirty looks and signing documents. As soon as the keys were handed to the doctor he stood up and unleashed all of his pent-up rage on dowdy old Maude. At one point Jeff thought he might even hit her but in the end he refrained. What could she do but take it and deservedly so.
Dunkin Donuts Iced Tea cup
So it was about 107 Fahrenheit and I had been up since 6:45 am confirming showings for the day. I had 2 inspections and went off for the day, knowing that it was going to be scorcher. I wore as little clothing as possible permitted as a professional. Sleeveless silk shirt, flats, and shorts. I went to the first inspection with a giant water bottle and sipped throughout the inspection, trying to keep hydrated. Dealt with that, no problem for 3 hours.
Felt a little dizzy by 11 am, when inspection had ended, and onto 3 showings until my 1:30 pm inspection. At this point we had to inspect a house, close to a body of water that had some issues with insects and mold. “Ok, no problem”, I thought. As we were all conferring in the kitchen, in this heat wave, with sky lights, baking in the kitchen, no ac, no fan, no nothin’, I got very light headed, realized I was going to faint, or die, or vomit so I decided to excuse myself and go sit in my car with the AC on full blast. “Oh, I’m so sorry” I explained. “I just received an urgent call from another client, I’ll be right back”, so I go and sit in my car, start to feel a little better, and then EVERYONE from the inspection walks out.
The inspector, my clients, the seller, the family of the buyer. They are all talking and walking towards my car, when I realize I’m going to puke. I have two options. Open the door and vomit on the property I’m trying to sell, OR, grab one of the empty Dunkin Donuts plastic iced tea cups from earlier in the day.
I choose the latter, and pretend I’m looking for something on the floor and puke my guts out in the cup. I wipe my face, pop a mint redo my ponytail, and step out of the car, eager to negotiate with the seller…….. And away we go.
- Heather, Boston MA
I’m an NYC associate broker who had one of the looooongest and strangest closings ever, and one I’ll never forget…
The morning of the closing arrived so I met the buyers and the sellers agent at the building for the walk through. Although we knew there had been a tenant in place who was supposed to move out weeks ago, my buyers and I were still apprehensive since we wouldn’t know for sure until we saw it with our own eyes.
What did we find behind the door? A fully inhabited apartment – all 1,700 sq ft of it – with big, heavy furniture. Great! The closing was in an hour and a half, and this guy hadn’t moved a thing. He was there and assured us he’d be out soon. I’m starting to sweat but knew I would do whatever it took to get him out so we could close that day.
The sellers agent didn’t seem to care even though this was his problem too. More about him later.
As an experienced agent, I did everything in my power to keep my buyers calm. As we left the apartment, I called the buyers attorney so he could inform the sellers attorney in advance that we had a problem.
Off to the closing.
It’s now 1pm. The closing begins and it was tense. To make matters worse, the sellers agent decides to check out by putting his feet up on the closing table, crossing his legs, and opens the NY Times full spread. It was hard to believe. My buyers wanted to tear his head off. So did I. We proceeded with the closing knowing that the buyers would need confirmation that the tenant had moved out before signing the very last document. So I called the front desk of the building and asked the doorman if the tenant had moved out. He said no.
It’s now 3:30. A ‘normal’ closing would have finished by now. But not this one.
With my buyers growing more and more concerned, I decided to take matters into my own hands so I left the closing to check on the status.
When I got there the moving truck was outside and three movers were in the apt packing and preparing to move out. With so much to be done, I took my suit jacket off, rolled up my sleeves, and w the tenants permission got to work – packing, boxing, moving, and sweeping. Yes, sweeping.
Two and a half hours later (6:30) we were finished. I called my buyers to give them the good news and they were relieved and happy to finally have the keys. They signed the last document and were now the proud new owners of this beautiful $2.5MM home…no thanks to the sellers agent who read the paper throughout the entire closing. Jackass!
- Jeffrey R. NYC Associate Broker
I don’t know how I’m just now coming across this article published August 7th in The Read Deal entitled Million dollar listing would be star speaks out, but I wish that every client who watches this contrived, yet admittedly entertaining show would read it because Million Dollar listing NY is about as authentic as imitation crab meat. I can’t tell you how many buyers and sellers have major misconceptions about the Manhattan market and how business is conducted due to watching this spurious show. If I have to hear a client say to me one more time: “Oh… I know how it works, I watch Million Dollar Listing!” I might just scream.
Fredrik Eklund of Million Dollar Listing NY
My co-op seeking buyers and I ventured out again last Sunday to find a plan “B” and possibly “C” in case the seller of their initial choice doesn’t accept our terms. Surprisingly, she did come back with a counter that my sellers agreed to, but won’t budge when it comes to letting them have a mortgage contingency and so we are at a stand still.
We did in fact find plan “B” and “C” in the same co-op. Now one half of my buyers prefers plan “B”, while the other half still loves the first one (plan “C” is if all else fails). Tonight they will hopefully come to an agreement. In the meantime, I’ve become obnoxiously elusive to the sellers agent who’s impatiently waiting for me to tell him that my buyers will move forward without the contingency. If he weren’t such an arrogant cuss I might feel bad for leaving him hanging but instead I feel quite satisfied. I can only hope that all of the apartments will still be available by the time my buyers make their decision.
What I’ve noticed in this volatile market, where condo-buyers are losing out on their first, second and third choices to all cash buyers and foreign investors, co-op buyers stand a better chance of getting their first choice and having a heck of a lot more options to choose from.
There are several reasons for this. The first being that NYC is 90% co-op so there is that much more inventory. Secondly co-ops typically allow you to finance anywhere between 0%-75% (condos typically allow 90%). That’s a big chunk to put down for most non-cash buyers. Then they need to show that they have about 2 years in reserves between mortgage and maintenance after closing, also a big nut to have squirreled away. Additionally, co-ops are not as attractive to foreign investors due to their strict subletting policies.
As long as a buyer is financially sound, prepared to furnish a mountain of paperwork for board packages, and most of all, willing to be scrutinized by the buildings board of directors, co-ops might just be the way to go. It’s a “slow and steady wins the race” type of mentality I suppose.
Stay tuned…